Obviously, this will be silly. None of that tasteful Insta Christmas here; no table-scaping ideas, no notions about wrapping gifts in brown paper and raffia. In December I go all out, with tatty sequinned jumpers, forgetfulness, caffeine and ramshackle gift-buying, hitting up the charity shops at the last minute, and festooning the place in vibrantly artificial decorations that hurt the eyes and remind me of so many cherished childhood Christmases in the 80s and 90s. An exquisitely chic tree decorated in nothing but white lights? Bleak. Let Christmas in, let it be. Nothing should be perfect, nothing trendy – and turn the general vibes up to 11.
So rather than bore you with a blog post that is a measured consideration of the true meaning of the season, I’m here to offer a virtual stocking filled with (mostly ridiculous) presents. There’s a distinct retro feel to most of this, which is part and parcel of a proper Christmas. Even for us heathens there’s an irresistible slant to the season of things being always the same, the songs you’ve heard a million times before, the decades-old decorations falling apart in your hands: ritual, familiarity, the eternal return. At certain moments, we need to believe that time only circles.
I hope you find something useful here, whether you need cake, glitter, poetry, a long lie down in a forest, or to have a sensible chuckle at the internet. Merry Christmas!
A cake
I am not a real vegan but I do enjoy vegan food (and more importantly, talking about it, which is 90% of the lifestyle) so I’ve been delighted with Nigella Lawson’s forays into vegan treats – Dark and Sumptuous Chocolate Cake | Nigella’s Recipes | Nigella Lawson. The plant-based wholefood recipes I force upon my family are high in fibre, wonderfully healthy, and as chewy and formidable as sturdy cardboard. Nigella makes vegan food luxurious, like this rich, fudgy chocolate cake. Can confirm, it was miraculous.
A duck cake
If you happen to be in the (enlightened, blessed) portion of the population who regularly watch Bluey, you’ll know why it’s so exciting to see, for real life, excerpts from the Australian Women’s Weekly Children’s Birthday Cake Book of 1980. If you don’t watch Bluey, I am judging. It’s not a kid’s show, ok? It’s not really a kids show. Alright, it’s a kids show, of 8-minute short stories unparalleled for their nuance, design and profound insight into the human condition. It’s also about a family of blue and orange dogs. It’s sort of a kid’s show. Maybe just watch the Veranda Santa episode on BBC iPlayer, and we’ll talk.
A vintage view
We’ve just moved house and my husband suggested that I could be in charge of the interiors for our entire home if he got to decide what the office space looks like. As he said it, I knew I was witnessing him making an error with life-long consequences. Needless to say, I got busy sourcing deliriously clashing vintage treasures. Will there be brown and orange swirly carpets? Maybe! My inspiration: Twin Peaks, The Ice Storm, and 1970s and 1980s IKEA. There is an IKEA museum, and gloriously, they have put IKEA catalogues of yore online. Look at this 1986 gem, in which an offensively vibrant velvet sofa looms out of the darkness: Browse the IKEA catalogue from 1986 – IKEA Museum. Jumpscare décor.
A few more from the 1970s (although my back pain is playing up just looking at these seating options…)
A hero
Alright, here we go, it’s sparkle time. Wrestling wasn’t wrestling until someone added glitter. Adrian Street, the working-class son of a coal miner, became a wrestling superstar once he really leaned in to the razzle dazzle. The photos are as uplifting and restorative as hard liquor. While most of his antics were pure pantomime and politically incorrect in all kinds of ways, he had the good sense to beat up Jimmy Saville when the chance presented itself in 1971. Pigtails, sequins, leather boots and a keen sense of justice – what a hero.
A solace
What is Christmas but a time to showcase to your whole family all the DIY projects around your house that are languishing, ignored. There’s a lot of ‘the flush doesn’t work unless you give it a good shoogle.’ Take heart: Category:Lists of unrealized projects by artist – Wikipedia.
A good chat
As a woman of a certain age (I am a bit thrilled that I get to say that now), YouTube is always ‘helpfully’ recommending to me make-up tutorials for older skin. The algorithm is brutal. I ignore them all, but something about this one made me click on it, and it turned out to be life-affirming and wonderful. Salma Hayek is of course stunningly beautiful (even before she starts slapping on handfuls of make-up), but by the end of the video she’s convinced us that looks are the least important thing.
An unstoppable drunken aunt
When Jilly Cooper passed away earlier this year, we were treated to a re-posting of many of her interviews from yesteryear. If you don’t have an unstoppable drunken aunt in your life, you can get the same pizazz from reading some of Jilly’s old interviews. They’re a hoot: ‘I love being wolf-whistled at. I’m that generation. All contributions gratefully received’ (Jilly Cooper: ‘People were always coming up to us at parties and asking us to bed’ | Jilly Cooper | The Guardian)
A reverie
Some of these Found Christmas Photos are unutterably sweet (the toddler in the red dungarees, busy with presents while the parents watch from the sofa, oh my heart) and I was especially enamoured of the Christmas trees, from the little aluminium ones to the giants draped in silver lametta. Most fascinating of all is the calibre of formal wear that people were wearing on what must have been a hungover Christmas morning. Look at those starched collars, the suits and ties, the stiff dresses with cinched-in waists. Since these photos were taken by family and for family, none of these absolute smokeshows knew how many eyes would one day gaze upon their work with such admiration.
A Christmas warning
My love of vintage ephemera may seem to be ignoring the true awfulness of much of the past, but Scarfolk Council brings that vibe; it’s satire, and it’s also horribly, uncomfortably accurate. I’ve been an avid enjoyer of Scarfolk updates for many years, to stay in the loop about ghost sightings, state surveillance infrastructure, local cults, and the likelihood of a visit from Council Boy. The UK Government even mistook a Scarfolk poster for one of its own (about shooting any child showing signs of rabies… this is not a drill. Government admits rabies poster gaffe – BBC News). Peak Britannia, if you ask me. Anyway, here’s what Christmas was probably really like in 1973: Scarfolk Council: Christmas can kill. Public Information.
A Nuutipukki
Continuing sinister, here is the Finnish Christmas goat…man… thing, which was a tradition still going strong in the 1920s. Yes, he’s terrifying. But you must let him in.
A poem
There had to be one spot of earnest good faith in an irreverent blog post. As fun as it is to revel in the nonsense of much of the festive season, I do have a softness for the simplicity and humbleness of the Christmas story. Not to be all literary, but Pasternak’s technicolour description of the arrival of Jesus masterfully captures the revolutionary moment: ‘… into this tasteless heap of gold and marble, He came, light and clothed in an aura, emphatically human, deliberately provincial, Galilean, and at that moment gods and nations ceased to be and man came into being — man the carpenter, man the ploughman…’ In the meantime, if you don’t quite have the time to read Doctor Zhivago over the holidays, here is a Christmas poem that brings it all home: Cathedral Carol Service – Poetry Archive.
A forest
If you truly can’t take one more second of festive cheer, you can disappear to the bathroom with your phone and tune in to any forest in the world, right now. tree.fm – Tune Into Forests From Around The World .
Merry Christmas x
Amy Jardine 
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